Down to the Bones

Time:

3:33 pm.

I wish someone would put me out of my misery.

Time:

12:13 pm.

I don't know how to deal with life anymore.
My psychiatrist changed my medication again yesterday. This is basically my last option because I haven't responded well to anything else. The first month is always great and then I become this awful thing again. So at least I have a month to look forward to (hopefully).

I don't think this depression will lift for as long as I feel this unloved. I just wish someone would want me, but who could?

Also, I have a casting on Saturday for something that requires me to be unclothed and I have the most ABSURD tan lines from being in Tennessee. Just noting, by the way, that being in Tennessee DID briefly resolve my depression, if just slightly. To prove my former point-- I was with people who, I felt, wanted me there.

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Time:

11:55 pm.

I took six shots of vodka and finally called my mother.

I think I have a Mom again. She is not the same mother I used to have, but I think we share a new level of oneness we have never before experienced. I'm pleased with this.

If only she weren't an adulteress and somewhat of a liar; and if only I did not exist...

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Time:

2:43 pm.

I promised myself I'd wake up before 6pm today. I woke up at noon but then fell asleep again until 2. I said I'd get some small things done. First, I have to find a way to get off of the couch and crawl the ten feet to the kitchen so I can take my medication because my anxiety level is sky-high right now. You know it's bad when you're on the verge of an anxiety attack and your cure is ten feet away and you can't even bother to get up for that.

I'm amazed that I have the attention span to type this out.
Anyway. Eric said it's a beautiful day outside so I kind of wanted to maybe take a walk but I think that might be pushing it. I hate being so freaking tired all the time. I should probably run across the street and pick up my laundry before they throw it out. It has been there since last Wednesday. Oops.

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Time:

6:37 pm.

I've been in my apartment sleeping/sitting and staring at stuff for pretty much three weeks. I went out on Tuesday night and I went to see Sex and the City last night (or was it the night before?), and other than that, I have been laying here like a pile of trash. When I said I wasn't going out last Friday night, Eric knelt beside me, slumped over the couch like I had been for the past 8 hours, and told me that I was officially a Waste of Life. We always joke about being wastes of space because we're lazy addicts who contribute absolutely nothing to anything, but I seem to go above and beyond. I simply do not exist anymore. I don't know how to function right now. I haven't been able to wake up before 6pm for a week, and I can't do much else than lay on the couch and take naps for the rest of the day. Due to being entirely sedentary, I eat two or three apples a day and I still haven't managed to lose weight.

I feel like I've lost everything.

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Time:

11:41 am.

I am so fucking hungry.

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Time:

4:49 pm.

I feel like serious hung over hell today.
Slept through my alarm. Missed my first class. Got to school late for my second class and didn't go because I decided to do work in the computer lab instead. At least I got that done.

I've been feeling well, for the most part, though. I do think that I need to up my Prozac just a little bit because it's not working as well as it was a few weeks ago, but it's no biggie. I'm just a little more emotional and started having panic attacks on the train again, but nowhere near as badly or as often as before.

Speaking of being an emotional mess, I was walking home and stopped into my corner store. On my way in, I noticed a very badly crippled woman with a walker trying to hail a cab and no one would stop for her. I ran over and got her a cab and spent a good twenty minutes folding up her walker and carrying her into the cab and making sure she was okay to go. She was so grateful and it felt really good to help her and make her smile. I cried until I got home. Then I got diarrhea. What the fuck. If there is a god, he's a fucking asshole.

I went to Byte last night. I was SUPPOSED to wake up at 6:45am so I was only going to stay until 2:30 or so, but I got so carried away spitting on and slapping and stomping old guys that I was there until way past closing time. OF COURSE.
I just don't understand how in the hell these guys get aroused when I trample their balls with my stilletos- literally STANDING AND JUMPING ON THEIR GENITALS- and they're like YEAH HARDER DO IT DO IT! This one guy kept telling me he wanted to be my toilet and since I couldn't just like, whip it out and pee all over him then and there, I stood on his chest and spit all over his face for like twenty minutes. He loved it. I'm so enchanted by all of these loonies I can't stop being around them. Why I'm not running out to get a job as a domme right now, I honestly do not know. Kiera- let's do it ;);) I know a couple of good dungeons. Don't know who's hiring but I think we'd make a badass team.

Billy's in town. I want to kill him, as usual. I invited him to the two burlesque shows I was at last night and he showed up to the second one. Faceboy showed up to the first one and walked me over to RiFifi. So Billy's there and I give Faceboy a kiss on the lips goodbye because I kiss most of my good friends like that and Billy immediately was like OKAY HI I'M LEAVING NOW CAN'T STAY GOTTA WAKE UP EARLY. I made him stay for the show and sit with me at the bar until Jess got there but he was being really weird. Since he was with me, I was introducing him to my friends as they arrived, since it's kind of rude not to, and he basically yelled at me for introducing him to people because he just washed his hands and had to keep shaking hands with people and getting germy. Basically, he was being typical Billy, which makes me homicidal. He's here until Thursday so we'll see what happens (and whether or not the pig fucker survives).

I did something to my achilles tendon and it's all bruised and swollen and hurty. Ugh.

I'm going to try to make it to my Watercolor class tonight. We'll see.

OOH and my glasses will be ready tonight! I can't waaaaait to be able to SEE again. Ha.

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Time:

10:17 pm.

I didn't realize it had been so long since I'd posted!

My anxiety was getting to a really ridiculous scary point and I was having panic attacks like 20 times a day so I went to a shrink. He agrees that pharmacotherapy is the best way of dealing with this and he put me on Prozac and Xanax. It is working. I feel great. My life has dramatically changed. I'm grateful. This is nothing like the shit idiot doctors I had in Florida with their fucked up drug cocktails. I just feel nice. Safe.

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Time:

3:30 am.

his problems do make mine seem less trivial but it doesn't make me feel any better about anything.

mine are trivial but I am fucking hurting and I don't know what to do or how to do it. simply, I do not want to be me and I don't remember a time when I did want to be me. Everyone who has wanted some part of me has either changed their mind, died, left, or is going to die in the next ten fucking years. I thought I could cope with loss but I can't. It's all catching up to me and it's heavy like concrete. I feel like my heart is going to burst. You can't run.

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Time:

3:01 am.

I am such a fuck up.
I'm not entirely sober a t the moment but sober enough to make a little sense and spell moderately well.

I asked Richard to come out adn have drink with me tonight because I need someone. We went to Julep because Lucy was doing naked twister later that night. We got there two hours in advance and I wanted someone to just understand and hug me, but his problems are well past mine and made me feel worse because now I know I'm going to lose another person I trust. It may not be soon, but he's not going to be around as long as I unfortunately will be. I wish I could give my life to him. He wanted a wii for christmas and all he's getting are biopsies.

I am shit.

I met a girl who is perfect. She was leaving and I was leaving and she was basically asking to go home with me bu t I knew all I'd do is cry. I kissed her and didn't even bother getting her phone number and said "fuck" out loud the entire walk home. Including through the walk I beside Thompson Square Park, because I'm too fucking stupid to walk the right way in my own goddamned neighborhoodl.

speaking of saying fuck all the way home , I happened to be on another planet last night, stumbling, muttering to myself something about eyeballs and keys, and leave it to me to run into the guy I'm fucking and not even recognize him. he already thinks I'm crazy but now I'm sure he's positive.
mayeb I am

I wish I weren't me

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Time:

11:32 pm.

I'm so fucking sad I can't take it

Time:

5:06 am.

fat fat fat fat fat fat fat no one loves me no one loves me fat fat fat fat fat fathatemyself

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Time:

9:06 pm.

NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME.

Both my mother and I are simultaneously having a midlife crisis and neither party is dealing with it well.

Listening to my "I hate myself" playlist only serves to make for a more distraught Amanda Pearson, but I don't know how else to comfort myself. I can't wait to slap on my makeup and whatever personality I choose for the night and drink myself into oblivion.

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Time:

3:39 am.

I'm moderately drunk right now; drinking wine from the bottle and watching informercials.
Yesterday, I was bored and I IMed Gabe. Just to see. See what, I don't know; but we'll leave that aside.

Long story short, he's off whatever drugs he was on before and he's NORMAL. He has been nice-- almost suspiciously so. Out of nowhere, he offered to filesend me the Joy Division box set, and he has been sending me a whole bunch of songs lately to "brighten up" my day, or so he puts it. I wonder what the fuck is going on. He tried to insult me a few times early in the first moments of talking and I called him out on it and he apologized. Since, he has been beyond civil. Almost sweet. After violently insulting me for almost four years, he finally uttered the words "now we both know you're not stupid". Never thought I'd hear it. I don't know what to think on it, since he has a habit of turning at any moment for no apparent reason. It's confusing, to say the least.

Vicky came to visit me the other week. That was a pleasant surprise. I feel like we're not connected like we used to be, but there's still something. Last time she was here, I cried like a baby when I realized she was leaving. This time, she cried and I couldn't bring myself. I'm seriously questioning whether or not I'm capable of feeling for other people, romantically, anymore.

I know I recently wrote about drinking away depression and finally seeing things in a different way, but lately, it has been coming back. Of course. Some days, I feel such intense loneliness that I don't know what to do with myself. People are jealous that Eric and I have each other as friends, but I become more and more confident as the days go by that he's all I'll ever have, if that. No one wants me. To some, I'm used; to others, untouchable because I don't have the energy or confidence to give most people the time of day. I have a relatively clear idea in my head of what I want, and as much as I hate to say it, Gabe is the only one who has come even remotely close. Pre-crazy Gabe. I guess that's why I spent so much time obsessing and mourning. It's also why I refuse to let myself get emotionally involved this time. Thankfully, fucker is in another state and still trying to rebuild the ruins he created on drugs. It's so weird speaking to him again.

Jess continues to lie to me constantly but is also a relatively consistent, good fuck; Renee all but hates my guts; Richie came home with me two nights ago and slept over and we spent all day in bed. No sex, just laying there. I wouldn't kiss him and I think it offended him. There's honestly just nothing I'm feeling for him. So needy. Can't take it. Levi stopped trying to hit on me and finally got a girlfriend. They broke up today and he's currently venting to me via AIM. Hopefully, he'll be stuck on her long enough to realize that I'm his friend and nothing more will come of it EVER. Apathy is no longer my friend because she suspected that I was fucking Sam, which is the last thing I'd ever do. EVER. Basically, I just want to find a girl who is as crazy fucked up as I am and likes me enough to not turn on me; needy, but not too needy; likes to be needed, but doesn't hate to be unneeded. It's too much to ask, I know, but it's the only thing that will settle me.

Fuck, I just had something to talk about but I got distracted by Levi's relationship drama. He doesn't understand that the reason his girlfriend can't give her "all" is because she's going through a very tough time and it's hard to just drop everything to "be a girlfriend". Guys are really naive to hormonal, nutso girl emotions sometimes. It's funny. He just told me that she's the most supportive person he has met in a long time. UH EXCUSE ME, I believe I'm the one on the bitch end of your stick, constantly letting you vent and giving you advice. Thanks. Good to now my efforts go noticed. Ugh.

Anyway. I'm getting significantly fatter and significantly more sensitive about my appearance. Jess left me in tears all night last Wednesday because he wouldn't stop complimenting me and it was making me feel bad. I asked him to stop and he took it as me calling him a liar and got defensive, which made me feel even more unlikeable, because at this point he was yelling at me and calling me blind and stupid. I left and cried all the way home, and then he told me to meet him at the diner on my block. He said he was alone. Of course, he wasn't, and paid no attention to me at all. I was WASTED drunk and couldn't sit there anymore so I said I was going to leave. He didn't even look at me and just shouted "BYE"
I cried all the way home again and I know he saw me walk by with my face in my sleeve. I don't know why I let him get to me.

Speaking of me being unattractive and nasty, I'm being sought after every which way to do some fetish modeling. I'm being offered 200 dollars an hour by one person, which is pretty outrageous compared to what I'd make illustrating. Speaking of illustrating, I'm doing live portraits tomorrow at the Dr. Sketchy Art Show. Excited!

If I lose weight by the end of the year, I'd like to join some paysites. Just to make some extra money and whatever. I'd love to pro-domme and I've already got my foot in multiple doors in that industry; just need to find the energy.

I have to pee. and sleep. Levi is finally done venting. He just called me Goo Goo Beaver. I'm going to murder him, haha.

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Time:

10:43 pm.

The other day, I realized that my depression is no longer debilitating. Last winter, getting out of bed seemed ridiculous and impossible. I was constantly so depressed that I didn't even know what to do with myself. I didn't talk to anyone, didn't really do much of anything. All I wanted to do was sit in my bed and silently cry, then wait for Sarah and Grace to go to sleep so that I could go slice myself up in the bathroom. That really is all I did for a few months. I never want to feel that way again.

I seem to be nursing what is probably underlying depression with addiction. Alcohol, sex, partying; being generally reckless and ridiculous. 6 nights a week, I drink myself retarded. I go out with the main goal of getting so fucked up that I can't see. It's not consciously fueled by depression, but it's a self destructive habit and it's one of many. I've pretty much stopped having friends except for the people I get drunk with, which thankfully, in the NYC party scene, is everyone. The only problem is that most of them function socially while sober as well, and a lot of people dislike me for pretty much ignoring them during the day or when I'm sober. It's like I'm terrified of letting them see me. I spend hours covering myself in as much makeup and glitter and distraction as possible, and my disguise is very successful, so far. I have to get drunk before I go to a party, usually, because HEAVEN FORBID I show up sober and am shy and awkward, like I am without alcohol. It's like I'm two different people. I do understand, now, what people are saying when they say that addiction makes you lose your friends and pretty much everything around you. I'm still doing well in school but that' almost the only thing in my sober world that hasn't fallen apart. Thankfully, my sober world rarely exists except for when I'm in school and getting dressed to go out.

I don't know what's worse: being consciously depressed or being an alcoholic. My current lifestyle isn't nearly as painful as it was when I was extremely depressed, but I'm living in a very unhealthy way and drinking myself into a ridiculous dependence. When I drink, it's the only time I'm not fully concentrating on how much I dislike myself; how ugly I am; how fat I am; my dry skin; my fucked up hair; how stupid and awkward I am; et cetera.

I don't even know what the point of this is, but I choose alcohol, and my liver and immune system are furious with me.

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